A recent conversation with John reminded me that we need to love our neighbors. What brought us to this remembrance was a common conversation that surrounded our neighbors.
John: “. . . yeah, I wouldn’t want to upset the lesbian couple downstairs.”
Tanya: “Heh, or the voodoo man that lives behind us.”
*pause*
Tanya: “I feel kind of bad always joking about them.”
John: “Yeah, they’re people too.”
And that is why, my friends, I have no problem telling you that I have hemorrhoids. Remember I am your neighbor too and I'm human (which is partially why I have hemorrhoids). My logic may not be crystal clear on this one, but when you sit down and contemplate you’ll most likely come to the same conclusion as me. .. . that I am lovable even with hemorrhoids.
First, we shouldn’t judge others for their eccentricities. . or their eccentric medical conditions.
Secondly, hemorrhoids are pretty common. About 40% of all adults have had, do have, or will have hemorrhoids. So if you are laughing right now, just you wait.
Thirdly, I have the type of hemorrhoids that don’t hurt, aren’t visible unless you do a thorough examination and only require that I take benefiber.
Fourthly, I didn’t ask for hemorrhoids. They just came. I’m not obese yet, I don’t sit for long periods of time yet, and I haven’t kissed any frogs lately.
Fifthly, Joey from "Friends" did a t.v. commercial for hemorrhoids.
Sixthly, you must feel sympathy for my horrifying doctor examination:
Dr. Helga Van Helsing* : “Now, what it is that you need today that bother you?”
Tanya: “Um, well. There has been blood in my stool.”
Dr. Helga Van Helsing: “Have there been any problems in the bowels?”
Tanya: “No. But those are some dang pointy shoes you got on”. .. ha not really ..
Dr. Helga Van Helsing: (walks to the counter with pointy high heels and grabs gloves)
“First, we do a digit examination.” . . . she points her finger upwards.
. .. .the slap of the glove ricochets in my ears as I stare at her dazedly.
“And then I will take this.” . . . she then picks up what looks like
a mini bazooka and makes a sharp stabbing motion and holds it firmly.
“Insert. Look. And take back out.” I cringe on each. sharp. movement.
“It, will be okay.”
Tanya: Um. . . okay?
After the finger examination I was shaking like a frail willow leaf in a windstorm. I asked my wiry blond German doctor if she would make normal conversation while she looked around very invasively. . .
I'll stop at this point in the story or else I may start to shake again. But with this end I remind you that this parable of sorts is to remind you of the need to love your neighbor. . . because they may have hemorrhoids too.
John: “. . . yeah, I wouldn’t want to upset the lesbian couple downstairs.”
Tanya: “Heh, or the voodoo man that lives behind us.”
*pause*
Tanya: “I feel kind of bad always joking about them.”
John: “Yeah, they’re people too.”
And that is why, my friends, I have no problem telling you that I have hemorrhoids. Remember I am your neighbor too and I'm human (which is partially why I have hemorrhoids). My logic may not be crystal clear on this one, but when you sit down and contemplate you’ll most likely come to the same conclusion as me. .. . that I am lovable even with hemorrhoids.
First, we shouldn’t judge others for their eccentricities. . or their eccentric medical conditions.
Secondly, hemorrhoids are pretty common. About 40% of all adults have had, do have, or will have hemorrhoids. So if you are laughing right now, just you wait.
Thirdly, I have the type of hemorrhoids that don’t hurt, aren’t visible unless you do a thorough examination and only require that I take benefiber.
Fourthly, I didn’t ask for hemorrhoids. They just came. I’m not obese yet, I don’t sit for long periods of time yet, and I haven’t kissed any frogs lately.
Fifthly, Joey from "Friends" did a t.v. commercial for hemorrhoids.
Sixthly, you must feel sympathy for my horrifying doctor examination:
Dr. Helga Van Helsing* : “Now, what it is that you need today that bother you?”
Tanya: “Um, well. There has been blood in my stool.”
Dr. Helga Van Helsing: “Have there been any problems in the bowels?”
Tanya: “No. But those are some dang pointy shoes you got on”. .. ha not really ..
Dr. Helga Van Helsing: (walks to the counter with pointy high heels and grabs gloves)
“First, we do a digit examination.” . . . she points her finger upwards.
. .. .the slap of the glove ricochets in my ears as I stare at her dazedly.
“And then I will take this.” . . . she then picks up what looks like
a mini bazooka and makes a sharp stabbing motion and holds it firmly.
“Insert. Look. And take back out.” I cringe on each. sharp. movement.
“It, will be okay.”
Tanya: Um. . . okay?
After the finger examination I was shaking like a frail willow leaf in a windstorm. I asked my wiry blond German doctor if she would make normal conversation while she looked around very invasively. . .
I'll stop at this point in the story or else I may start to shake again. But with this end I remind you that this parable of sorts is to remind you of the need to love your neighbor. . . because they may have hemorrhoids too.
1 comments:
I'm so sorry, Tanya! But I have to make one correction: Van Helsing is not a German name, so unless she told you she's German (and maybe even then she's bluffing), she's Dutch! Hee hee hee. Or maybe you just made up that name. Oh, you did! I see the star. Poor Tanya. This is very well-written and realistic and hilarious. Just remember, you have to love her too. :)
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