Momentary Hatreds are Always My Strongest

I'm convinced that grooming was never meant to be something desired and somehow advertisers have twisted the heinous and time consuming actions of grooming into something seemingly necessary. Grooming should be a luxury for pete’s sake! Kings used to have professional groomers, (kind of like dogs) they never really groomed themselves. The rest of the common folk had never even heard of showering, let alone the idea of grooming. But they lived fine lives I’m sure. Of course they didn’t live as long, but they enjoyed themselves while it lasted. But all in all, I blame the capitalist state. Those greedy businessmen are placing the act of grooming at the top of the social hierarchy by bombarding us with ads just so they can make a buck. Well, I shout ‘la revolution’! Let us all go to the dogs, and I mean that in the best sense possible. The only reason that I truly shower is so that I can cool down by having wet hair in the heat – remember not to meet with me in person when winter comes round . . . hint hint.

Grooming can be a second job, or fourth. Who has the time to waste primping and priming if you have a real life? By the time I hit the shower I’m exhausted and would rather smell and let my teeth rot out rather than spend time showering and preparing myself for bed. Another reason why grooming is heinous and especially time consuming is the fact that grooming is an all or nothing event. You can’t just stop brushing your teeth with your mouth half full of foam! You have to go all the way.

I’ve tried to cut time for showering by simplifying things. Instead of shampooing and conditioning separately – I go for the two in one deal. Why would anyone want to use, and buy, two separate things when it can be accomplished in one?! Imagine the time wasted by those that shampoo then rinse, and then condition and then rinse again! What is even more absurd is that the bottle’s instructions suggest that you rinse and REPEAT!! Who repeats?!?! Those greedy capitalists. Another great technique to cut shower time is to soap yourself at the top and let it drizzle down to your toes – it counts as washing if the soap makes any contact with your skin at all. Don’t waste time scrubbing each and every nook and cranny on your body (except you can’t ignore the belly-button, that’s just gross).

I don’t hate the actual act of grooming – it’s just that I’d rather be sleeping than brushing my teeth. And yes I do feel dirty and gross if I don’t shower or groom, but sleep has increased in importance over the past couple of months now that my plate is so full. I think that the perfect gift would be that invention I saw featured in Time magazine a couple of years ago. This marvelous contraption basically cleaned you as you lay down! It also acted doubly as a massager! I could sleep, be massaged, and wake up feeling clean! Jay Leno would add the line “who could be so lazy” at the end of a punch-line. And I would have to stand up, salute, and yell – me! But I’m sure such a thing is only available to the kings of the capitalist world, or to dogs.